So Lost...

Two months is over in the bond desk.
First month is good. Got response from 2 banks that been assigned to handle. They chat with me and go out with me. Give me prices and close deals with me. Then, been away for courses and treasure hunt.

Back to office, things changed. They stopped giving response. Was it somthing i did wrong? "Nope. Is the market." That's the answer i received. " No position mah"."If have, wil find u later."...Bored bored. What a job? What a life?.Asking people out to have free lunch with me also hard. Starting conversation with people also seems to not long-lasting.Chat midway, the topic wil just die off. People stop replying.

Sometimes, i'm been thinking. Should i just stop here and switch, while i'm still not too long here? Beside, it wasn't my cup of tea at the beginning. But, now i'm stuck with exam. No matter how, got to go for the exam and must PASS. The most important thing is PASS. 23rd and 24th August. 4 modules in 2 days in a row. 75% is the passing marks. But, i haven't really started reading. No pressure. No mood. No urge.

Oh God, please show me a way. I have lost motivation and lost direction. Each time i talk to WC about it, actually inside my heart is i dunno wat gonna be my future path? What is my career path? I dun wan to waste time. Yet, i dunno whether am i wasting my time?But, even PE also have been switching a few jobs only discover the things that she like and her career path. Even the new colleague J also have been changing the industry he is in after 2-3yrs. While i'm only jus 1 yr in here, perhaps i still need more time??

Day by day, i started to feel myself getting useless, less self-value, wasting company's resources. Makan gaji buta. I feel myself didn't contribute to the desk at all. No bring in business. No go out entertaining clients. Is not that i don't want, but, the clients doesn't seems to accept my invitation. Everytime being rejected.
Am i that useless??

WC says," Don't always complain. Stop complaining and start to progress myself. Improve all the weaknesses. We have to be progressive. Don't stay a Kampung Champion forever. Must improve our life. Must more positive"

I know. I know. You are right. But, i'm lost. I don't know how. I used to be a top scorer. I used to be doing good and get recognition from my lecturers, from my teachers and even ex-bosses. But now, i feel myself is in the last place. The worst and most useless employer in this company. The most unproductive. The most not performing person. No one look up on me. Yet, they never blame. But, i blame. I don't want myself to be like this.

How? Please tell me how to improve?Show me some direction. I got to change. I don't want to stay in this position.

1st of all, i must pass my PKMC. Whether use it or not in future, that's 2nd.

Jia you!!!!!You can do it, gal!!! Go go GO!!!!YS