Starting to get buzy....

The assignments are rushing in...projects, and plans for CNY all are coming...my hometown friends were planning for a gathering during CNY...like previous years,...but this year, i dun have the mood to join the gathering, this year i just feel very lazy, very lazy to socialize with people, just like to keep my time to my own...

Msn with a very close old friend, ST, she ask why recently i feel like that?Previously, i'm the one who is eager to meet and mix around with old friends...This time, why?..Perhaps, i'm feeling old and tired...Just lazy....sometimes, i really dun know and dun feel like talking, especially when evry words you talk seems so fake and so "acting"...just like in the drama...people dunno when is true and when is just faking, i feel each time, we socialise with people, we make our mind feel so tired, the mind have to analyse the words, the reactions, the gestures,...receive the ideas and interpret whether the actions received were true or fake....and even have to give quick enough response to feedback the person you are interacting with....should you shows out the true feeling and opinion or you should also put in some act to just entertain that person?

Thats why, most of the time, during the time in a group, i more feel comfortable to just keep quiet and listens to others...especially during the times when people were gossiping or talk bad about others....unless i myself really hated that person too...only i'll give comment. I'm not that saint who never talk bad about other, just that i feel it is all very useless and especially if i dun even know that person, and the opinion i gave may just intend to entertain the crowd...but got some busybody go and spread around saying that i said "this this this " about certain people...people who i dun even know....i'll feel being trapped. To keep myself out of trouble, better keep my mouth shut!

Just like my situation now, i feel like i'm acting everyday, each time i need to face someone, i need to pretend as if i never care, i never felt anything, act as a stranger to keep the situation not so strange to each other. Each time, saw this person, i'm not myself, i pretend that i'm very strong, pretending just because i need to keep my ego..Yes, i admit that my ego is too high, i'm too proud to admit my wrong, i'm too proud to show or do anything that will ends with losing face or humiliation...

I'm too proud to ask even though i feel that there were very deep misunderstanding...even i very very wanted to know the reasons, to know what was happening...but my ego make me keep silent...

Stupid??