Starting to get buzy....

The assignments are rushing in...projects, and plans for CNY all are coming...my hometown friends were planning for a gathering during CNY...like previous years,...but this year, i dun have the mood to join the gathering, this year i just feel very lazy, very lazy to socialize with people, just like to keep my time to my own...

Msn with a very close old friend, ST, she ask why recently i feel like that?Previously, i'm the one who is eager to meet and mix around with old friends...This time, why?..Perhaps, i'm feeling old and tired...Just lazy....sometimes, i really dun know and dun feel like talking, especially when evry words you talk seems so fake and so "acting"...just like in the drama...people dunno when is true and when is just faking, i feel each time, we socialise with people, we make our mind feel so tired, the mind have to analyse the words, the reactions, the gestures,...receive the ideas and interpret whether the actions received were true or fake....and even have to give quick enough response to feedback the person you are interacting with....should you shows out the true feeling and opinion or you should also put in some act to just entertain that person?

Thats why, most of the time, during the time in a group, i more feel comfortable to just keep quiet and listens to others...especially during the times when people were gossiping or talk bad about others....unless i myself really hated that person too...only i'll give comment. I'm not that saint who never talk bad about other, just that i feel it is all very useless and especially if i dun even know that person, and the opinion i gave may just intend to entertain the crowd...but got some busybody go and spread around saying that i said "this this this " about certain people...people who i dun even know....i'll feel being trapped. To keep myself out of trouble, better keep my mouth shut!

Just like my situation now, i feel like i'm acting everyday, each time i need to face someone, i need to pretend as if i never care, i never felt anything, act as a stranger to keep the situation not so strange to each other. Each time, saw this person, i'm not myself, i pretend that i'm very strong, pretending just because i need to keep my ego..Yes, i admit that my ego is too high, i'm too proud to admit my wrong, i'm too proud to show or do anything that will ends with losing face or humiliation...

I'm too proud to ask even though i feel that there were very deep misunderstanding...even i very very wanted to know the reasons, to know what was happening...but my ego make me keep silent...

Stupid??

Too Much Imagination....

Sometimes i feel myself was thinking too much...wondering too much...and sometimes it is all unnecessary or just too sensitive...

These few days have a good chat with my coursemate, ES, after the chat, i feel that actually i'm quite close to her, just that i never realised about it...I alwiz thought that we seldom talk about ourself, seldom see each other except on formal things such as classes and assignments...but, now, i changed my perception..

Now, i also realised that not just me is the weird fellow who thinks too much, all women will think too much too, and it is not because we are too sensitive, is just that sometimes, guys really are too blur, they did things that makes people thinks too much, make people sensed other things...

After all, guys and gals are really different creature when come to feelings...But, now, i realised that i didn't do anything wrong, i didn't over sensitive, is you who make the wrong and suddenly realised ur fault...but, i'll be a more clever gal nextime....I'm won't be that stupid anymore...

New Look??

Now is nearly 3pm on a Saturday....i just arrived UUM from Alor Setar at 1.30pm...spent my weekend in my roomate house in Alor Setar...went for shopping and even tried out a new hairstyle...curl my hair...but it was just a temporary curl cos is my first time to curl hair...and i scared of the effects...in case curly hair look worse on me...so just tried it out for a short fun...The effects???....ermmm....some people say is nice,...some people said i looked mature...some people said is very old-fashioned....but anyway, i was having great fun this weekend...better than the weekend i spend in Genting...i get back my old self ..at least now, much closer to my old self...a bit more confidence is coming back...

That day, Thursday, after the Dean List ceremony, i direct take bus and went to Alor Setar to join my roomates and another fren...eventhough, i have one presentation powerpoint not done, one asignment(passup on Sunday) not done, and a few case study not read....but still bravely take the weekend away for some fun...and left out all the responsibilities behind...now i'm actually need to rush the powerpoint to submit to groupmate member for edit and combine...but still need to visit this blogsite for a while...

However, i still feel glad that i went to Alor Setar even though now i need to very very rush my works...haha....an enjoyable weekend..

p/s: will upload my temporary new look in friendster or here...

Lazy day....

Today,i was so lazy that i skipped the only two classes i had today...930am Multinational Corporation and 11am Strategic Management...wasted the time i spent lastnite for reading those case study that needed in today's classes...

After my alarm rang around 730am, i off it and went back to sleep again...even asked my roomate to sign for me for the 11am class...bt unluckily, she didn't manage to sign for me..but still nevermind la, i didn't care much...and the 930am class, got a quiz and i missed it cos i didn't went to the class...And spent the whole day wasted by sleeping, daydreaming and some badminton session in the evening...

Recently, i really dun have the mood to care about my classes anymore...now, on my hand have several asignment need to be done, eventhough the submission date is still quite far away, but if last time, i'll go and search for info and started my work already, but now, i still lazy to get it start....

This Thursday, suppose to follow my roomate back to her house in Alor Setar, and went for a shopping spree at a pasar malam in Simpang Kuala...a huge event each time near CNY, but i need to attend an event for taking Dean List this Thursday too...so the Alor Setar trip is cancelled....maybe get to go by next week kua....hope can go lor...

Blur & Busy Day....

Today, i was late for class...My class starts at 9am but i arrived around 9.15am...Still lucky cos the lecturer didn't say anythg...Got a quiz that i never prepared at all...but the question was easy, a bit common sense and some heard from the lecturer before...so, can do quite well...Our asignment at first was a group project...now changed to an individual asignment...pages also reduced to just 5 pages...quite an easy job..

Later, will have another class at 2pm...my Insurance Cargo class...tonite have nite class, but i planned to skip that class...even ask a fren to pass up my asignmt for me and help me sign the attendance...Cos i still have two case study that need to be done by tomorrow morning...since, the nite class was so bored and really wasting time,..i better use the time to do my case study...

This morning, wake up and look into the mirror, found that my face was realli very "chang"...ugly and look not energetic at all...some coursemate even comment that i look as not enough sleep...the thruth is i sleep a lot and actually not tired...but perhaps when the heart is tired, a person will look as if really tired and no energy at all...

But, i promise myself that i'm gonna recharged and be a better person soon...realli soon...i'll move on...

Th3 TriP...

Just back from the trip,lastnite...arrived around 10pm...then do a lot of washing...wash my jeans and bedsheet, towels, evrythg with washing machine....white clothes with hand...and one more pail of black colour with hand ( scared of fade colours)...so tired...sleep till today around 12pm only wakeup...

My trip?...The first day we arrived KL from Changlun is around 4am somthg in the morning, then we went to take our breakfast at one of the mamak's restaurant near Pudu (while comparing it with the Subaidah in UUM)...Subaidah's food is much nicer...hehe..

Then, we lepak until around 730am...only went to Puduraya to buy ticket to went up Genting...on the way, we saw another gang oso from UUM...so we join them...but, Pudu didn't sell the package ticket...so we went to KL Central...and we go to Genting from thr...

The trip is really quite cheap...RM26 include Skyway to and fro, bus ticket to and fro, and Theme Park outdoor ticket...and our hotel room include breakfast just RM40 per room...so affordable,rite?

We went to Theme Park, went to shopping, take photos, went to casino...and i even give Uncle Lim RM60 in the casino...so bad, that was my first time went into the casino,...he dun even give me a welcome gift....aih...

The next day, we head to Sg. Wang....and shopping again...gals are alwiz like that la...and i went with 5 other gals....but, i shop very little, can't find what i want yet....by nite, around 6pm, is the separation time,...two of us went back Butterworth, one went back Seremban, one stay in KL and another two (include me) went to UKM...my fren stay with her sister in UKM hostel...while me went to find one of my fren renting house in Fasa 3, Bandar Baru Bangi (currently oso studying in UKM's Material Science)...

Is been around 3 years since i last meet her....she has turn into such a pretty lady while i think myself is still as ugly as previous...She ask me to stay longer so that she can bring me to look around Kajang and Cheras area...but too bad, my bas schedule back to Alor Setar, only once in a day which is 12pm noon...while i still have morning class on Monday and a few homework that need passup on Monday and Tuesday not done yet....so we only have time to tour UKM...

The next morning, we went to tour UKM and take photos....UKM is big...bigger a lot than UUM...but most probably, that's my impression as there is quite a long distance between one faculty to another faculty and between one college to another college...different from UUM, where our faculties are all centered....once you are in the faculties area, you only need to walk from places to places....and even though all our students stay in the uni (UKM's only mostly first year student stay in the uni, most student rent house outside),which means more students population inside UUM....UUM's college seem so close to each other, while UKM's college are separated far apart, some of the college are even too far that buses are not scheduled to go in...very inconvenient,rite?

After the tour, I head back to UUM with 12pm bus from Hentian Kajang...the whole trip sound very few but is quite hectic...and making me feel so tired as if i haven't sleep for so many days (the truth is i got sleep a lot)...My mum and family don't even know that i have went to Genting and KL all this while cos i never tell her...and still remember that day when she called me while i was waiting for KTM, asking me wat am i doing that moment, i just answered back by saying doing nothing...so bad, lying to mum like tat...

Now viewing back the photos that i have took during the trip...i found that photos were not very nice, not as nice as when i went to Malacca or just simply to Alor Setar....why??....bcos i smile just simply to take photo...not trully smile from the heart...the smile is too fake...not a trully happy smile....

Genting....Will bring new hope??

Today jus have one class 2-3.30pm, but i wake up late..so have a lot to do before i can leave for Genting tonite..Wash clothes, do asignments that need to be passup as soon as back from holiday..

But, a very good fren sms me that he is feeling down, ask if can chat with him..But, i am so sorry that i dun have enuogh time to pay him some attention...Realli sorry for not being able to help u..But, i never forget that u have alwiz try to console me when i'm not feeling good...Reali sorry...

After this, i just need to do some packing...and we will head for Genting...but inside my heart, i dun feel happy or excited at all...Recently, i dun seem like paying attention in everythg i do...in group project, in asignment,evry task given...i do it just to complete the task, a feeling of just to complete it, not care whether it is done with good job or bad...The interest has lost,i dun pay attention anymore, i dun care anymore, i dun argue or state my opinion anymore...i jus feel as if leave it evrythg to others, and just take watever they left or give to me...That is totally not me...at least not the previous me...Previously, I aim for the best..strive to do it as good as posible, and will be satisfied with the results only when i have done my best...but now, i dun give it any care watever the result will be...I have totally lost myself...

Lastnite, i really wish i can cry my heart out...cry as loud as possible, cry as much as i like....but i didn't manage to cry...not even a drop of tear...If only i can cry, perhaps i'll feel better,...not like now,with some hard feeling stuck inside my heart trying to get out...

Why am i acting like tis?..In front of others, i act so normal, act so strong, as if i never feel hurt at all...but actually, i'm hurt...hurt without me realising it...i thought i had not step in my feet...but, actually, without me realising it, i have step in...

During the break, when i'm still at home, perhaps, i try to forget with other programmes around, and at least, i'm not thinking of it at all...but now, back to tis uni, suddenly, i feel so bad, feel so unhappy, i know somthg is wrong,...but, i can't do anythg...my only choice is just to forget and find back my old self...i need to have back my feeling....

Will the few days to Genting bring back my feeling?..Perhaps, after i scream my heart out, i will feel better...Please God, help me...

Feeling so Down down down.....

Just finis the first week of class..but my mood still not recover yet..feeling so down lately..wat's happening to me?..i felt lazy,very very lazy, dun have the mood to attend class, dun have the mood to chat with frens, dun have the mood to do anythg..

Probably, bcos of my eye,...sick eye that still not recover yet..is nearly one year ady..still hasn't recover..went to see so many doctor, tried so many kind of treatment, watever superstitious thgs oso have tried before,..still is a failure..i nearly gave up ady..dun want to try anymore..It really makes me lost confidence in myself, i'm feeling ugly..very very ugly..hate to meet people..and really feel like just hide in my room or in my house until i have truly recover..tired of answering questions,tons and tons of questions regarding that eye..

Even worse, tis time when back to UUM, i felt leftout, all my frens seems to ignore me, dinner time no call me anymore, go anywhere no including me anymore, lunchbreak can't find companion anymore..wat's happening??...actually, not all ignored me..is that lesser fren tis sem, most went back home during weekend, and i have lesser ppl to ask for companion..suddenly, felt so lonely..

Tis sound so sad,rite?...all unhappy things..

But, nextweek, i'm planning to go Genting with ex-roomate and her frens..at least have some place to spend my five-days holiday..but, while they were excited talking about the plan of going Genting,..i have no feeling,..not excited, not happy, and no expectation..wat's happening to me?

I must get busy..i must have more plans to fit in my time..i must have back my life..i must have back my confidence..really hope that after tis CNY, everythg will be better...why CNY?not newyear2007?..because is already a half month away from 1st of Jan,..yet my life didn't seem be any better..

Will it get better?...sure it will..it MUST!!!!.....i dun wan to write a sad sad blog...

Blogging Again....

Today i attend Cross Cultural Management (CCM) class, heard the lecturer comment about blog. She said blog is for those who is daring, not scared of their personal life being publicised, cos once is a blog, all the people around the world will be able to see and read it..Honestly, i agree with her but because i'm not that daring, i even deleted all my previous blog..Two reason why i did that..first, because i think my blog is just too stupid,too untidy, ..second is bcos somtimes a lot of things i feel i want to write, but i dare not write it in, scared if my frens,close frens will saw it..so i delete it all when i suddenly got the urge to do so..Real stupid hah??

However, i also view blog as some place where i can release all my worries, my unhappiness, my stories no matter whether any reader exists..i just want a place to speak out when i feel that my stories will be too long, too unimportant to bored anyone..So, i start to blog again..but tis time in tis blogpage..where no direct link from my friendster..Hoping only those coincidently with fate people get to view tis..at least, each time i write out, i'll feel much better..