Dear Blog,

Dear blog,

Sorry i have to come here again to release myself. I really don't know who to go to. I cant tell my mum, as i dun wan her to worry, i cant tell my frens cos they also wont help much.


Actually, it is just a vry vry small matter, asked him somthg.."Did he use my car?" only expect him to maybe reply somthing, anythg, few words oso can eg:" No ah, i din know abt it.." or maybe "yes, used forget to tell you" just anythg will do..Am not angry becos he use the car, just angry of his reaction, why din tell me? and why ignore my question by running away and din even give an explanation? It really make me feel like idiot dumped in the middle of the conversation by some no manners guy.

Today is a vry long day for me. Didn't really sleep well yesterday nite. Sleep only at 430am after tossing around so many times, walk upstairs and downstairs so many times. Itz bcos when you really love someone you will vry care and become sensitive to tiny action of his that it can even make u sleepless? Wake at 730am tis mrng, din had my breakfast, no apettite, lunch, order a rice but just eat few spoon, no apettite at all..and now dinner,not eat anything yet. Why feel like torturing myself?? But, will he care?

For the whole day, i was expecting his call, maybe he will call and say "dun angry la, yesterday i so tired so lazy argue wth u" or maybe "sorry la, dun angry la"..But i guess is useless for me to wait..cos he never call...and when he did call at 745pm...the 1st sentence pop out from his mouth was "so, what you want now?"...in a vry fierce, impatience tone. How my heart broke? A man i thght will love me, care me..never even asked abt me and my condition? how i not been sleeping whole nite, how my stomach was still empty?...No..nothing of those caring words...Just a fierce "so, what u want?" Why was it so difficult for u to say some soft words to me? am i that not worth for ur love? You know that i will easily get well by jus a sentence from u...yet, u din wan to make me feel better.

Now, he just went off for dinner, and me alone at home, still sleepless even i'm so tired..I cried when think back what i try to do for him, for us, what hope i have been putting for us..I always thought we can be together,i gave everything to him, i believe him, i trust him, i depends on him, i did everything thinking of our future, i learn cooking to make good dishes for him, so that when he is back from work, can hv a nice homecook meal..i have not even cook for my mum yet. I dun know whether he will appreciate it or not? I try hard to find for job nearby cos i think for our future whr i will stay tgthr wth him as a family. I have already make my mindset to include him in everythg, yet i dunno what is in his mind. What a gal wan, jus some simple words that care from the mouth of the man she love. I never try to ask him to spend luxurious thgs on me. I try to save money for our future as he seldom save. I try to pay whichever i could. I try to put in so many efforts. Yet, i never knew he ever notice watever i did. What kind of gal am i in his mind? Why before i finish my sentence, he wont wan to listen anymore? Why he can be cruel to me when we in argument? Why he can left a woman he claim to love alone crying or starving in the room by herself? Why he cant take a small initiative to console me? I love you, i will always forgive you...i will always say "OK"...will always smile if you console me.

But now, i feel so lost as if i lost everything and so alone.i lost everything.He say he don't want me anymore.

What Should I Do?

It's been a long while since my last visit here. Why suddenly i'm back? Bcos i'm undecisive. And someone who i always went to, seems to make me even more undecisive. Tell me to go for it, then the next minutes, tell me the negative side of going for it. I'm already vry messy, can u help to clear me up, rather than tangled my mind more?

Feel so tired recently, become a slave to work, rushing here and there, yet still late for work. Not enough sleep myself, and at the same time, make him not enough sleep and concentration at work. A trouble of my own and become a trouble to someone else. Been wondering, what had happen to my life? Life in city is just like this, just for work, and weekend rest for recharge for work again, having eye bag, panda eye, pimples, headache, pale face just for work again, rushing and crashing each other in the crowds just to enter the train just for work again?? I'm looking older than my own age now. How long can i still stand this?

What i really want for my life? Find a nearer job so no need to rush? But, need to restrict the area just bcos where i stay? I just want to find a job that can give me satisfaction, a job that make me feel good and make my boss proud of me, a job that i can handle well and be good at. But, these all seems so hard to get. I cant perform in my current job, one year is not a short period yet i never do well. Boss never complain, but i have lost faith and confidence in myself. I wish to change bcos my age is getting older, and it will be harder to switch field later than sooner. I need to do it as soon as possible. But i have no certainties. I don't know what will happen and don't dare to think what will happen? Will i be regret of what i'm losing consequences of changing job? High pay, 2-hour lunch, no paperwork, change field after i manage to get the license?Oh God, what am i doing?? Suddenly, i feel like going to Church and talk to Jesus, ask Him to give me some indications.

Is money that important? Or life-value?I knew that i will most probably get pay cut after i change job, but don't have to keep telling me all the expenses that i'm going to bear. Sometimes, i feel that i need your support, but you keep making me feel stress by telling me all the negative sides that i already knew. Or, you will say two side of both option and make me undecisive. I'm slow in making decision. i knew that is my weakness, but i need your support.

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